Challenging Sex Taboos, with Quotations From the Koran

Wedad Lootah has written a book which some critics have described as a daring, if not a shocking, book, titled Sirri Lil Ghaya (Top Secret: Sexual Guidance for Married Couples) which discusses educational, health and social aspects of sex within marriage. The book is considered a source of knowledge for lots of people in our Arabic world who don’t know life matters related to sexual relationships between spouses.

Wedad does not look like a sexual activist. She, a 45-year-old, strong-willed woman, is a devout Muslim and a native Emirati. She wears a full-length black niqab — with only her brown eyes showing through narrow slits — and sprinkles her conversation with quotes from the Koran. Yet she is the writer of what for the Arabic world is an amazingly frank book of erotic advices in which she celebrates the woman’s orgasm, and challenges taboo topics, such as homosexuality and urges Arab to look anew at the backward traditions that limit their sexual pleasure and happiness.

Wedad did her Bachelors in Islamic Studies from the Islamic College in UAE University in 1986. In 1996, she joined the Department of Islamic Affairs and Charitable Works as head of Dawat (call for Islam) for women. She joined Dubai Courts in 2001 and has since been working there as a family counselor. Serri Lel Ghayah, which loosely translates into Top Secret in English is her first book. Published in November last year, it uses three case studies to illustrate how lack of sexual harmony could lead to marital discord.

Her book is packed with vivid anecdotes from her eight years as a marital counselor. The book became an instant scandal soon after its publication in Arabic in Emirates in January. Predictably, the book drew praise from liberals and death threats from conservatives and extremists, who accused her of blasphemy. ‘People have said I was crazy, that I was straying from Islam’, Wedad said. ‘Even my family asks why I must talk about this. I say: these problems happen every day and should not be ignored. This is the reality we are living’’.

She had submitted her book prior to its publication to the mufti of Dubai. He approved it, though he warned her that Arab might not be ready for such a book, especially by a woman.

Wedad is one of a small though growing group pushing for more openness and education about sexual matters. Unlike earlier generations of women who couched their criticisms in a Western style language of emancipation, Wedad and her associates are hardly to dismiss as outsiders, because they tend to be devout Muslims who ground their views in the Koran.

One of the themes of the book is the danger of anal sex and homosexuality generally, not because of HIV but because they are forbidden by the Koran. Her openness about these taboos in the Arabic world is outrageous to many. She refers to men in Saudi Arabia where ‘men who had anal sex with men before marriage want the same thing with their wives, because they don’t know anything else’ Hence, she rightly and emphatically stresses the need for sex education in our societies.

She speaks of the importance of female sexual pleasure and of the inequity of many Arab marriages in this regard. One case that
prompted her to write this book was a 52-year-old woman client who had grand children but never had known sexual pleasure or experienced orgasm with her husband. ‘Finally, she discovered orgasm!’, Wedad said. ‘Imagine, all that time she did not know .

The book ‘should be read by every man and woman planning to get married as sex is the pillar of a stable and healthy family. Lapses in bedroom relations lead to marital strife , Wedad said, backing her claim with statistics dug out from Dubai Courts. Out of the 2,401 cases of family disputes we dealt with last year, 1,305 were a result of lack of sexual harmony .

A husband and wife cannot be sexually satisfied unless they both enjoy it,’ she said, adding that she was sure a man wouldn’t commit adultery if he were sexually fulfilled by his wife and vice versa. ‘Sensuality and communication between the husband and wife are key essentials to a happy married life as they heighten the pleasure of the act’, Wedad said, who recommends that every man and woman should enjoy sex to the fullest ‘by being participatory, not anticipatory’. Wedad used Quran and Sunnah referrals in her book to prove that oral sex, which many think is forbidden, is actually allowed in Islam.

Before, people lived in one place and the community was like one big family’, Wedad said. ‘Now, people have spread to different areas, everything ‘s mixed up and traditions have changed’. One result is the establishment of the Family Guidance Section in the Dubai courthouse, opened in 2001 with Wedad as its first counselor working together with other six counselors, all men. The Kuwaiti government has a similar social services wing since the 1999s, and other Gulf countries are following suit.

Heba Kotb, who runs an Islam-oriented sex therapy clinic in Cairo and run a satellite TV talk show on marital and sexual matters
from 2006-2008, says ‘We’re making a lot of progress. Ten years ago we were unable to even mention the subject, and now people are getting used to hearing it’.

Wedad said she found great support from her family, especially her broad-minded husband and her 20-year-old daughter, who designed the book’s cover. My sons have read the book and are also very proud of me .

When the Ministry of Justic refused to publish her book, Wedad got it published on her own.The 221-page book in Arabic is priced at Dh34

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