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My love story

Nadia Khalouf
2020 / 9 / 14

My friend, who ran away from her family s house for fear of being killed, asked me :
Does the woman have needs´-or-desires in life?
I didn t know what to answer so I explained my story to her. While I was talking, she was crying and saying that everything that is happening against women in our country is injustice.
I was the child of a family living in a suburb of Paris where many families with oriental backgrounds lived.
My family preserved Arab customs, especially those related to women, as they watched me so as not to stain their Honor.
I was nineteen years old when I went to university where I met a young man who appeared to be of Arab origin.
We were exchanging words, we found ourselves close, it never occurred to one of us to ask the other about his religion. We fell in love with each other, I was scared from the very first moment.
After we got to know us well, I knew that he was of Jewish Arab origins, and he knew that I was of Islamic origins. I knew that this relationship had no future, But I couldn t stop myself from continuing with it. I loved Mousa, and he loved me. In the first year of university, I rented a room in an old quarter of the capital but Mousa lived in the university city so we only met in the university. He invited me to a café close to my place of residence. When he smiled at me I saw his white teeth and when he held my hand, I felt both love and fear. I was afraid that someone would see us in that place and tell my family. I felt the warmth in my body so i asked him again if
our relationship have a future.
-Did not matter. At that moment, I feel fortunate
, Fatima.
-If my family knew about our relationship, they would have killed me. You are a Jewish and I am a Muslim.
-But we live in the West and there is a law that governs our relationship. We are free here.
- We live in the capital and nobody knows our secrets.
Our love is the big secret, isn t it?
Our love was virgin at first, but the desire began to dominate us.
. . .
Mousa rented a room . I visited him until I got used to him, I could no longer leave him. Then I spend most of the nights with him. Life felt like a moment of loving .
I think sometimes that what I do is a sin that God will judge me for, but I cannot undo my decision. If I leave Mousa, I will feel dead. I ask myself if God is in control of my destiny, so why did he allow me to have that relationship?
This topic torments me, as I was raised since my childhood on the word women “honor” . How do I cancel that word?
Lord, if you hear me, help me overcome that torment.
There are two women in me, once of them loves life and freedom and the other is a frightened woman. I feel sometimes that God is punishing me because I had sex without a legal marriage contract and at other times I say it is my right to enjoy life and be free. When desire calls, I forget the subject of God and the Sharia.
. . .

I work today as a teacher in a village near my city while Moses works as an agricultural engineer in a remote rural area. We meet once every few months. My family is watching my movements although they take most of my salary and leave me very little
Mousa came to the village at the weekend. I met him for half an hour. I am afraid that he will enter my room.
but promised him that I would visit him.

-W, have to try to find a solution. I will talk to your family, he said.
-Have you spoken to your family? I said
-Yeah. They rejected the subject, and they threatened me but I will visit your family and tell them.
-I m afraid they ll kill you.
-Should we not defend our choices in life?
We must not be afraid, and we will succeed.
-But I am afraid, I do not like to die.
-We live in the West now and there is a law that protects us.
-But we come from the East, and it may take generations to understand the meaning of freedom.
- We can t spend our lives without marriage and meet in secret. We are human beings. We want to have children, go to the movies, and travel to the seaside. How can we try all these things secretly?
I made up my mind, and decided to marry Mousa, but without a legal contract. According to Sharia, I have no right to marry a non-Muslim because my family will kill me even if I live on Mars.
We live in a country that does not need society to recognize your marriage, so we wrote the marriage contract ourselves, put it in a frame, and hung it on the wall:
"I, Fatima and Moussa, acknowledge that we fell in love and decided to marry according to the law of love. Since today we will be a family, no one will separate us and we will love each other forever."
. . .
I rent a small apartment close to where I work. We meet at the weekend. When I became pregnant, my feelings mixed between my desire to be a mother and my fear of being killed, but in a moment I forgot that I was living a double life, I thought that the most beautiful thing I dream about is a child that makes me feel like a mother .
I was in the delivery room, witnessed the birth of my baby, and I asked that they call him Adam.
Today I became a mother.
Today we have become a family.
Our life will change forever.
While we were talking about the child I saw a masked person coming to my side with a knife. He planted the knife in my stomach, took it out, and planted the other in my husband s shoulder. He surprised us, and we didn t know how to act.
It became chaos in the hospital and the police were called. When the police caught the man , I saw his face. He is my little brother .Can a brother kill his sister?
I don t know why my little brother is trying to kill me, I used to love him.
. . .

I m still alive.
After this, my health became good and I attend court sessions where my brother is accused of a murder committed to defend honor. I waived my right before the court. I told my brother that I forgave him, and I would like my son Adam to have a good maternal uncle who learned from experience that an honor killing is a crime against freedom.
He nodded and told me: I am not a criminal. They taught me to kill you because you are an adulterer. Do not forgive me. I wish to be punished. But the judge told me :you can t do that because he s accused of murder.
In the fifth session of the trial, the judge summoned my father and mother, and after interrogation with them he sentenced them to prison, and my brother was brought to the reformatory.
I lost all of my family as they are in prison. My mother and father refused to visit them because I am an adulterer. I was visiting my brother. My brother managed to obtain a law degree. He told me: I will become a judge.

Nothing remains of love but a sad memory .




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